The Fault in Ourselves
by SignLanguageWriter
Summary: What if Hazel relapses just before Augustus dies? What happens to Issac? Does capital S-Something exist?
1. Chapter 1: Hazel

I run into Memorial 20 minutes after I got off the phone with his mother. I stop and pant, completely out of breath due to my lungs failing at being lungs. When I look up, one of Gus's sisters is standing in front of me. "He's awake," she told me, "but he has a very high fever. We don't know how much longer he'll…" she broke off, unable to say any more.

"Can I see him?" I asked. She consented immediately. I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing him one last time, our final moments together before we were in capital S-Something. I walked in with Julie or Martha, I couldn't tell who. By the time we reached the stairs, I felt like my lungs were going to explode.

Julie/Martha looked at me and pressed the button for the elevator. "Are you all right, Hazel?" she asked.

"Fine, just out of breath. Thanks for asking, though." I responded. Internally, I felt like my lungs were collapsing in on themselves. I was drowning in my own fear, I told myself. Augustus would like that metaphor. I was drowning in fear of losing him, in my own anxiety.

When we reached the floor my love was staying on, I moved as fast as my lungs could handle in the direction of Gus's room. I knocked and after hearing a soft "come in", I let myself in.

"Julie," Mrs. Waters was saying, "go get some food. Gus is okay, he's awake and alert. Take care of yourself."

"Fine, Mom. Do you want anything from the cafeteria?"

"Water would be great, sweetie." Julie left the room just as Martha came in.

Augustus looked over at me. "Hazel Grace," he said in his dead sexy voice, "you came." He looked worn out; paler than I had ever seen him, ghoulishly skinny, his lips white. His water blue eyes, however, still held their sparkle.

"Of course I did, Gus." I sat on the edge of the bed, giving us a little privacy from his mother. "Where's your dad?"

"In the cafeteria, eating some dinner. Mom sent him about twenty minutes ago." Suddenly, his face turned green. I grabbed a bucket just in time. I helped him hold the bucket with one hand and rubbed his back with the other while his mom called for a nurse. There was blood in the vomit.

The nurse came in cleaned him up a little, then a doctor came and added another drug into his system. He relaxed visibly and began to drift off. "Hazel… Grace…"

I never heard him speak again.


	2. Chapter 2: Augustus

Pain. Everything hurts _so much_. I remind myself that I am made up of cancer and my cancer is made of me. Mom seemed so far away right now; I didn't even notice when someone knocked on the door. Mom called, "Come in!" and Julie walked inside followed closely by… wait for it… Hazel Grace Lancaster.

"Hazel Grace," I manage to get out. God, everything hurts, but I'm trying to hide it for her. "You came."

"Of course I did, Gus." Her voice was music to my ears. "Where's your dad?"

Just as I was telling her, I felt the contents of my stomach coming up. She got a bucket just in time. It tasted rather metallic, but I didn't know what happened until Hazel swore.

"Fuck, Gus…" I looked down at the bucket. Blood was mixed in with vomit.

Mom called a nurse while Hazel cleaned me up a little. "Thanks, Hazel." I manage to say. This is always hard, constantly needing someone to take care of you. I yearn to be independent, but I know that will never happen again.

A nurse comes in and helps Hazel clean. She then adds a new drug to my IV. I barely fight the exhaustion when I feel it. I'm too weak; my roller coaster has hit a plateau. Some would say I was going downhill, accelerating too fast for medicine to keep up with, but I know the truth. I am no longer going up, true. But I will not let this roller coaster go down. This star won't go out. I muster up all the strength that I have and look straight into my love's eyes. "Hazel… Grace…" I manage to get out. Darkness follows.


	3. Chapter 3: Hazel

Julie and I went down to the cafeteria. The entire way, I couldn't catch my breath. It felt like I was running a marathon with an elephant on my back. Not a puppy-sized elephant, but a gargantuan elephant was sitting on my back while I ran.

"Julie…" I coughed, "Call… my… mom…" The world slipped away from me, my connection to the world cut.

The first thing I registered when I woke up was beeping. Slowly, I opened my eyes. I was alone in the ICU at Children's. I hit my call button. A Dr. Maria came in, followed by my parents and my regular Dr. Jim. My heart sank. This couldn't be good.

"Hazel," Dr. Maria said, "when you first came in, we were concerned that your lungs had filled with fluid again…"  
"That's not the case?"  
"No. Hazel, the Phalanxifor stopped working. Your tumors have grown. You have mets in your brain and in your bones. I'm sorry."  
"How long do I have?" I hated this question, but I had to know. Dad and Mom looked grave; Dad was crying.  
"A month, maybe less without treatment. Hazel, this is your decision."

Dr. Maria and Dr. Jim left, leaving me alone with my parents. "Hazel," mom began, "Mrs. Waters called about twenty minutes ago…"  
My heart sank to my feet. "No…"  
"He never woke up after you saw him, Hazel. His last words were your name."  
I was crying by then. I cried until my crap lungs wouldn't let me anymore. "Mom, I don't want treatment. It'll only be a month, anyways."  
"We'll talk about it, sweetie"

I just wanted to be with Augustus. I asked mom for some privacy. I called Isaac with all of the news. "Fuck. Fuck the world, fuck it all. Where are the trophies to break when you need them?" he asked rhetorically. I remembered the Night of the Broken Trophies and cried even harder.  
"Isaac," I began, "my cancer is growing. I'll be lucky to see another month." He had been crying this whole time, but now he was sobbing.  
"No! It's not fair! I can't lose you too!" I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Augustus and I were going but Isaac would stay. Isaac would be left behind.


	4. Chapter 4: Isaac

It's not fair. It's not fucking fair. First Augustus, now Hazel. Why can't it all just stop? I can't lose her. Not so soon. "Isaac, are you okay?" my mother asks.

"No, Mom, I'm not okay. Augustus... Hazel..." I lose it then and there. Why did the fucking Phalanxifor stop working? She's only sixteen and has been through too much heartbreak in the past few days. And Gus, oh why did Gus have to die? The world isn't fucking fair. Not at all. I think of Gus and of Hazel and what they'd say in this situation. The world is not a wish-granting factory. Yet it's days like today that I can't help but wish it was.

For a short time, when I was with Monica, everything was perfect. Even the lights were misty in the river. After everything that's happened, though, I don't know how I couldn't see how plastic that was. Now, the night is over. He is gone, the river's just a river. Without Augustus, Monica, or Hazel, the world around me changes. What's the point of living? I can't fathom why I should even go on. I have lost my vision, my girlfriend, my best friend, and am going to lose my next best friend. What's the point anymore?

My ears are ringing, they always do when I get too worked up. I feel like a lifetime has gone by, but in reality, it has been less than a minute. I hear a knock at my bedroom door. "Isaac?" my mom asks, "what's wrong, sweetheart?"

"G-Gus is gone" I manage to whisper before I break down in tears. I sob for a few minutes before I can compose myself again. "Gus is gone, and H-Hazel's cancer has spread."

"How long?" my mother asks. She knows Hazel has always been terminal.

"A month with treatment. Less without. Mom- I can't do this. I've lost so much so fast." Mom consoles me the best she can, which honestly isn't very much. It's not her fault, she can't cure cancer. God knows she would have done it by now.

Why does this all happen to me? What did I ever do to the world? After Mom leaves, I reach out to the nightstand. I instantly draw my hand back in pain when I touch something sharp. I listen closely, then reach out for whatever hurt me. A pencil sharpener that had been left out. Carefully, I work the blade out of the casing. I gingerly run the blade through my fingers, examining it. I cut myself. Slowly but surely, I begin slitting my wrists. I move onto my stomach and to my sides. _"Mom can't find out about this_", I think, _"what would Graham think? His big brother is cutting!"_. These thoughts aren't enough to stop the urge. Why should I? I've already lost what's most important. I've lost my meaning. I'm lost.


End file.
